TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the city historically noted for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from your putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the most effective. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely from area. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But yes, absolutely sure, let us have Yet another position in which American men can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply All people a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is delicate energy," mentioned political strategist Trump Tower Damascus Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It is that he really should end utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Great tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from House, a element staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after finding the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not only unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Attributes


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "When you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Without end."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "in which's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is previously attracting notice from international buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll acquire three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge in which my PTSD might have change-down service."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences recommend:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It desired gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it three. You might be welcome."

Report this page